Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wednesday Night Plant Fever

I know what I'll be doing tonight.

Way cool, Anne!

Rain and Candy

Springy and rainy here.

I was geared up to have our 4 classes of 5th graders dig 95 holes for the first planting in our outdoor classroom. Since the grant is through our own Dept. of Conservation, we are expected to predominantly use native Missouri species. The Dept. of Conservation has it's own nursery we ordered from for these native seedlings, which we received free. We ordered 175 in the first batch and 125 in the second. These seedlings are in bundles of 25. They are shrub and tree varieties that offer food and cover for birds as well as butterflies and other fauna, if we are lucky. We have received those but we aren't yet certain if we have obtained the grant. The agent we had as our contact to talk us through the process figured we were a shue-in. The money from the grant would help us add the other varieties of plants and flowers to attract the birds and butterflies as well as some hard structures and mulch for a the trails, a bird bath and similar items. As part of the grant we are to involve as many parts of the school and community as we can for the planning, preparation, donated items and upkeep. It's for hands-on instruction that should be used in as many areas of learning as possible for all grades, high school included.

This is really my forte. I am an avid lover of earth science and outdoor learning is a fantastic experience for kids at every age. I know my stuff about plants and planting. I am so excited to be working on this. I hope the kids will be as excited.

Needless to say, we won't be planting anything today.

I bought a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter eggs yesterday. Thanks alot to whoever talked about those on their blog (Sandi). I couldn't get them out of my mind after reading it!!! However, I only brought one with me this morning for my treat. Unfortunately I am thinking of going home for lunch to get some more!aARRGggg!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Talking Him Down

Ok, I talked to Wildman this weekend. It sent him into a tailspin but I think by this evening, he is understanding what I am trying to tell him.

I feel really like I am in actual depression,which is so overused nowadays I hesitate to actually admit it. I just know I feel like I used to when I was in my second marriage and being bombarded with accusations of infidelity constantly. I ended up to the point of barely breathing. I couldn't move. I was one step away from the walking dead. ( Some of you know how this went down and what an idiot I was to go into this relationship). Anyhoo, I managed to get passed major depression without the use of drugs. Not so much this time, I am afraid. It feels like it must be chemical. I don't have any one thing that has put me here like last time.

I talked to Wildman and told him first off I felt so used up I had nothing to give him, how it made me feel guilty, how I worried since I knew his history with a wife that apparently used HIM up with her neediness, I wanted to treat him better, I didn't want to hurt him but I needed some room and time to sort his out, get to a doc and see if a prescription was the answer. He felt better, I felt relieved, we drank a few bottles of wine and ta-da, I'm home and feeling much better. Nice weekend. I don't understand it. Alcohol is a depressant. I don't feel depressed, just relieved.

We rented "The Departed". Excellent film! Just don't drink too many bottles of wine and try to follow it.

Home now and sober. I have children who are ecstatic as I am. Their father has bought a house in the woods apart from the woman he is living with. I don't know the important parts of why and how but I do know they aren't broken up, just keeping 2 houses. Country mouse, city mouse sorta of, E said. J is so happy since he loves to meander in the woods with no particular intentions. This will give him that again. E is obviously happy. I wager to say their dad is happiest of all.

Cheers to all.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Visitors Welcome

Kate over at wondered if anyone worried about visitors who stay for a long time on your blog. According to my site meter (hooked on seeing where people are visiting from) I have a visitor from Washington, D. C. whose domain name is "". Makes me a bit nervous although I could hardly be targeted as a political upstart.

And the vistors who have "unknown country" listed under the domain name. Wow!

Also, there is a visitor from Olive Branch, Mississippi who spends a lot of time here. I love the attention like I told Kate but I wonder who it might be and what they are thinking. Maybe it's someone I have known in the past. Is that silly of me? I don't care really if it is or not.

I finally got around to linking to my favorite blogs although I would like to point out I get to a LOT more, just not on a daily basis. I am really hooked on reading blogs. Just check your site meter.

Sunny here and breezy. A loverly day to spend outside. Fingers crossed it will go that way.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Chairman Meow

We tried several names out over the course of the weekend for this little guy. None really suited him yet although I voted for Louie. Don't know why I liked it above Tucker (he tuckered out after each round of play, Skittles (for the way he skitted around like mad), Chewie (for obvious reasons), Sam (the name of the last Siamese Mother had and don't forget we keep a name thru several cats). I do not prefer cutesy names for my pets so maybe that is the reason Louie fits. I'll relay the name officially chosen at a later date.

My mom is crazy for him and he loved everyone there, especially my dad. He had Louie in his lap much of the time, even when my dad fell ill to stomach flu Sunday overnight. Ugh. Anyway, it caused Daddy to perk up and interact, which is a good thing.

And as far as the seal point Siamese affiliation is concerned, I don't know for sure. I think he is more of a mix. It was confusing how many different varieties there were. He is just a Siamese to us.

Spring break. Hunting for prom accessories for E, planting up my strawberry bed, purchasing a new mower, managing to finish jobs in piles around the house -pretty much that's it. Maybe a few hours with my girlfriends in quiet drinking solitude. Boy, I could use that!

Here's to a good day and a good week for you all.

Friday, March 16, 2007


My son came home tonght with the bully story. A kid who kicked J's bicycle wheel til it was bent last time with the help of another neighborhood boy who is known for morphing into a bully depending on the company, decided it was another opportunity to do the same kind of thing ( 4 glasses of wine make my sentences very long). Long story perhaps even longer, after grilling son to fess up, come clean for sure, use conscience and tell me now what actually happened( his story didn't change), I decided it was time to call the parents of bully #1 to confront since it was not the first time. Their son's story didn't size up against my son's story.

Big surprise. Mothers Against Dumb Domination, right? I got testy, lost my cool, mother of said bully whose father is running for school board got mad , then got apologetic. I, in turn, got weepy and apologetic, father talked to me, then he talked to son, called back, said heart to heart tuned up nothing new, let by gones be by gones, called on prayer to help boys be " brethren" eventually, and I am downing another glass of wine.

Taking a new seal-point kitten to my parent's tomorrow. We love Siamese. Over my life time there have been 4 Siamese in our family. My password has always been the name of the first one we ever owned.
He was bought so I would have some company in my alone-ness as the baby born 5 and 6 years after my sis and bro. They had each other. I had a cat. I promptly broke his tail by grabbing it as he passed by me going one way while I was traveling the other way. I was 3.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Spring break is a'comin! We're out early tomorrow which is a relief. What a week! Subs , curriculum, mix-ups, field trips, evaluations, grant-proposals due. Naw, none of that was MY stuff! Kidding, some was and everyone running around trying to get everything covered so everyone was stressed. Anyway, a week to not have to hurry anywhere is what I am looking forward to. I think I will take an idea of Lorraine's and use it. I want my kids to cook supper one night a week. We can see how it flies next week without homework or meetings to get to. Then if it goes well, maybe implement it every week.

I took a very sick cat to the vet this morning. He is just an outdoor cat I named "poopin and eating machine" because that's all he every does. He has no personality so he is not really a pet. Anyway, I get home from school yesterday and notice he is very lethargic, and his back legs aren't working so he is flopping down every time he tries to move. I can't get any water down him so I make him comfortable in the garage. It's way late to get him to the vets so that had to wait til today. He was worse this morning which I figured would happen. I told the vet to put him down if it was something major which it most likely will be. Even though I don't like him, it makes me so sad to see him in distress. He was just a stupid old neighborhood cat I didn't do anything for but feed. I see I am writing in "passed" tense. Hmmm.

Funny thing was when I had a haircut on Tuesday, I bought my hairdresser/friend's gas grill since she is downsizing to get married. I paid her and picked it up last night. She told me it was a shame she wasn't going to get to use that 60 bucks from the grill sale since her ancient deaf and blind canine needed 2 teeth pulled and some shots. I told her I was sorry I had bought it because my cat was heading to the same vet and I will probably need that 60 bucks back to pay him.

Heading to the ole farmstead this weekend to see ma and pa. It's been a month since we were there. I'll be incommunicado. Big whoop I know.


Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Hardest Job I'll Ever Have ( Be All I Can Be)

(Started Saturday 5:00pm)

I think well in the shower. I have many ideas and revelations in the shower.
Just now in the shower the crystallization of what is wrong lately with me came to me in a sentence. Ok, that sentence is gone now but the gist was...I am tired of Wildman. He isn't what I want right now. I don't love him like he loves me and I feel smothered by him. And that worries me because if I let him go, the kids will really, and I mean really be in bad shape, especially J. He adores Wildman and right now while both E and J are in such a critical time of seeing relationships I'm in and how I handle them, I am reluctant to end anything. They need some "good father figure" time too and they both get that from him. I know it would cause heartache for Wildman as well and that makes me cringe since he is having the time of his life, according to him. I love that he is happy.

I haven't given much thought on how to fix this either other than what I've already done, which is to confide in Wildman about my need for space .

I have my hands and heart full with my kids and friends. THAT really scares me. Am I not capable of having a long term relationship? How am I going to show the kids how to have a good relationship if I can't have one?! I need to talk to Wildman, I know but I don't know what else to tell him besides to give me some freakin room. I want to proceed the right way, not burning any bridges as I go. I tend to hold everything in and then make a wrong move. And I hate confrontations but less than I used to. I see the necessity of it. I just don't have much confidence in handling them well.

I was very open when Wildman and I first met. I told him, and it hasn't changed, I was open minded but I wasn't looking for a marriage partner. I was looking for a person who was a good friend and a lover that would treat me well and I in turn would do the same. We have a warm and caring relationship, both of us devoted and committed to each other's needs. It hasn't been hard to do because he is a fine man. But he needs me too much. He needs to be in close proximity with me, seriously, or he tells me he is dying to see me, needs me, misses me, when can he see me, a constant barrage of texts and calls and emails. He has told me he had no life until he met me and now I believe it. I am the center of his world (his words). I can't tell him I need time by myself without feeling guilty because it hurts him so much. He is aware of my schedule and that I am stretched thin. So I am constantly feeling pressured to see him. I can't imagine living with him because I wouldn't be able to do anything without him holding on to me, literally. I don't know how else to get it across to him I need some space.

God, when I read this , I sound like a whiney dipshit. Who wouldn't give their eye teeth to have devotion and love like this? I am finding out I am more independent than I originally thought I was.

The other item that has me twisted in knots is my dad's status. My mom is doing well on the medication, coping better but my dad is in such a state of decline, it is becoming a tremendous job day to day to care for him. We have been shocked at his decline since late last fall. He seems to slide down quickly and never really recover any ground. In the first few years, he would slide down and then recover some ground. He has had 3 of those slides since November. He is so belligerent we fear he will really hurt her when she isn't prepared. He already grabs her arm and squeezes which leaves bruises. It hurts her heart more than her arm. He won't take his medication much either and of course she has resorted to hiding it in food but some is too large to hide or not possible to grind up. This has serious consequences too, making him more susceptible to angry outbursts and unmanageability. I don't know to what point she is determined to try to keep him with us. I suppose we will discuss this next weekend when I take the kids over spring break. We need a new plan.

On a good note, yesterday I worked in my yard and completed many tasks I needed and wanted to get done. The strawberry bed is dug up and covered with clear plastic to warm. The shed door has been patched with some wood screws since the nails they had used on the very rotten boards were stripped. It should hold for a few more months until summer. A few herbs were planted in some plastic seed starters, salad mix, some lettuce and kale seed were planted in the whiskey barrel on the patio. The ornamental grasses were cut back as well as the butterfly bush and other shrubs and perennials cleaned up. My right hand thumb won't open up this morning from working with the clippers so long. The shed was swept out and restacked, and I mean stacked!
E stayed with me this weekend since she was really under the weather with a cough and sore throat. Luckily I got her in to the doc on Friday morn so antibiotics and some codeine- laced cough med kicked in well by yesterday. We had rented " The Prestige" (fantastic and convoluted), "The Lake House" ( her choice, haven't watched it yet), "The Gift" ( don't know anything about it yet) and yesterday we watched " Little Miss Sunshine". I give it a 9 outta 10. I loved it, everything about it. She'll go with her dad today when he comes thru on his way to his ma and pa's. I'll have an hour or two really by myself. Looks like it will be a nice day again for outside work. Just nothing that will require the use of my thumb. Maybe today is the day for a patio lounge stint.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Desperate For Filler

1. Go here and select the year (in the left sidebar) you turned 18.2. Paste the list of the top 75 songs.3. Bold the ones you liked; strike the ones you disliked; and italicize the ones you knew but didn't exactly like or dislike.The ones you don’t know will stay plain text.
Some 1981 hits for your amusement. Actually the amusement might come from my taste. Help yourself, laugh, whatever.
Have a great weekend.

1.Super Freak - Rick James
Let's Groove - Earth, Wind and Fire
Just The Two Of Us - Grover Washington Jr & Bill Withers*
Give It To Me Baby - Rick James
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
Back In Black - AC/DC
I Love You - Climax Blues Band
Celebration - Kool and The Gang (overplayed but great when it first arrived)
She's A Bad Mama Jama (She's Built, She's Stacked) - Carl Carlton*

Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
Double Dutch Bus - Frankie Smith
Waiting For A Girl Like You - Foreigner (made me swoon)
Endless Love - Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross*
Fantastic Voyage - Lakeside
In The Air Tonight - Phi Collins
Hey Nineteen - Steely Dan (still one of my favs)
Love T.K.O. - Teddy Pendergast
We're In This Love Together - Al Jarreau *
De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - Police (all Police, all the time)
Lady (You Bring Me Up) - Commodores
Urgent - Foreigner
The Tide Is High - Blondie
Fire and Ice - Pat Benatar
Our Lips Are Sealed - Go Go's
Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogleberg*
The Stroke - Billy Squier
Who's Making Love - Blues Brothers
Being With You - Smokey Robinson*

Don't Stand So Close To Me - Police
Tempted - Squeeze
Burn Rubber (Why You Wanna Hurt Me) - Gap Band
Guilty - Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb*
Woman - John Lennon
Winner Takes All - Abba
Queen of Hearts - Juice Newton
Controversy - Prince
Rapture - Blondie
9 to 5 - Dolly Parton *
America - Neil Diamond*
41. Physical - Olivia Newton John *
Treat Me Right - Pat Benatar
Elvira - Oak Ridge Boys * (double ick)
The Old Songs - Barry Manilow *
Fashion - David Bowie
No Reply At All - Genesis
All Those Years Ago - George Harrison
Slow Hand - Pointer Sisters
8th Wonder - Sugarhill Gang
My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone) - Chilliwack
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - Police
Winning - Santana(can't remember which one this is by the title)
Say Goodbye To Hollywood - Billy Joel (newer stuff, yes, this stuff, no)
Jones vs. Jones - Kool and the Gang
Tom Saywer - Rush
Private Eyes - Hall and Oates
(Ghost) Riders In The Sky - The Outlaws
Working In The Coal Mine - Devo (Still perfect today)
Watching The Wheels - John Lennon
Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon
Super Trooper - Abba
Arc of a Diver - Steve Winwood
While You See A Chance - Steve Winwood
Teacher, Teacher - Rockpile
Sukiyaki - A Taste Of Honey
Hello Again - Neil Diamond *
(There's) No Getting Over Me - Ronnie Milsap *
Morning Train (9 to 5) - Sheena Easton *

All American Girls - Sister Sledge
Skateaway - Dire Straites
Ah! Leah - Donnie Iris
This Little Girl - Gary U.S. Bonds (huh?)
Wasn't That A Party - The Rovers (again, huh?)
Sign of the Gypsy Queen - April Wine
Boy From New York City - Manhatten Transfer*

Red denotes songs that did it for me
Bold denotes songs I would turn way up
* denotes songs that make me vomit

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Feeling used completely up. I got nothing. Feeling like I would be better off in the woods somewhere far from civilization and I wouldn't miss anything ('cept my kids). I just want to sleep.
Don't worry about me. I don't have a bottle full of anything to take.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I loved this email from a friend.
Question for those of you who take their walks on city streets- How nervous do YOU get when large trucks start crossing over the center line to the side you are walking on? I have a piece of a county highway to cover before I get to the actual city streets I use and this happens quite a bit . Walking in the evening (yes, in reflective, light colored clothing) is much less attractive to me since there is more traffic. I prefer early morning with peace and quiet although I have begun to use my son's mp3 player. Walking to Arabic Groove gives my step a bit of a punch!
Speaking of sweating, I am working on having a better attitude as far as not sweating the small stuff. I am always worrying about things that will work out in the end. It takes a lot of energy to worry, too and I just don't have that kind of time or energy anymore. I also have children watching me handle stuff and I can't tell them to not worry about the stuff they worry about, that everything will end up fine in the end when I am up in arms about something I should let go of.
Hope everyone has a spectacular weekend. I am going to work on a seed order for vegetables and maybe dig up my strawberry bed since it had a bad year last year. New soil and plants. That means no strawberries for a few years. I'll have to find a patch to pick at.