The Hardest Job I'll Ever Have ( Be All I Can Be)
(Started Saturday 5:00pm)
I think well in the shower. I have many ideas and revelations in the shower.
Just now in the shower the crystallization of what is wrong lately with me came to me in a sentence. Ok, that sentence is gone now but the gist was...I am tired of Wildman. He isn't what I want right now. I don't love him like he loves me and I feel smothered by him. And that worries me because if I let him go, the kids will really, and I mean really be in bad shape, especially J. He adores Wildman and right now while both E and J are in such a critical time of seeing relationships I'm in and how I handle them, I am reluctant to end anything. They need some "good father figure" time too and they both get that from him. I know it would cause heartache for Wildman as well and that makes me cringe since he is having the time of his life, according to him. I love that he is happy.
I haven't given much thought on how to fix this either other than what I've already done, which is to confide in Wildman about my need for space .
I have my hands and heart full with my kids and friends. THAT really scares me. Am I not capable of having a long term relationship? How am I going to show the kids how to have a good relationship if I can't have one?! I need to talk to Wildman, I know but I don't know what else to tell him besides to give me some freakin room. I want to proceed the right way, not burning any bridges as I go. I tend to hold everything in and then make a wrong move. And I hate confrontations but less than I used to. I see the necessity of it. I just don't have much confidence in handling them well.
I was very open when Wildman and I first met. I told him, and it hasn't changed, I was open minded but I wasn't looking for a marriage partner. I was looking for a person who was a good friend and a lover that would treat me well and I in turn would do the same. We have a warm and caring relationship, both of us devoted and committed to each other's needs. It hasn't been hard to do because he is a fine man. But he needs me too much. He needs to be in close proximity with me, seriously, or he tells me he is dying to see me, needs me, misses me, when can he see me, a constant barrage of texts and calls and emails. He has told me he had no life until he met me and now I believe it. I am the center of his world (his words). I can't tell him I need time by myself without feeling guilty because it hurts him so much. He is aware of my schedule and that I am stretched thin. So I am constantly feeling pressured to see him. I can't imagine living with him because I wouldn't be able to do anything without him holding on to me, literally. I don't know how else to get it across to him I need some space.
God, when I read this , I sound like a whiney dipshit. Who wouldn't give their eye teeth to have devotion and love like this? I am finding out I am more independent than I originally thought I was.
The other item that has me twisted in knots is my dad's status. My mom is doing well on the medication, coping better but my dad is in such a state of decline, it is becoming a tremendous job day to day to care for him. We have been shocked at his decline since late last fall. He seems to slide down quickly and never really recover any ground. In the first few years, he would slide down and then recover some ground. He has had 3 of those slides since November. He is so belligerent we fear he will really hurt her when she isn't prepared. He already grabs her arm and squeezes which leaves bruises. It hurts her heart more than her arm. He won't take his medication much either and of course she has resorted to hiding it in food but some is too large to hide or not possible to grind up. This has serious consequences too, making him more susceptible to angry outbursts and unmanageability. I don't know to what point she is determined to try to keep him with us. I suppose we will discuss this next weekend when I take the kids over spring break. We need a new plan.
On a good note, yesterday I worked in my yard and completed many tasks I needed and wanted to get done. The strawberry bed is dug up and covered with clear plastic to warm. The shed door has been patched with some wood screws since the nails they had used on the very rotten boards were stripped. It should hold for a few more months until summer. A few herbs were planted in some plastic seed starters, salad mix, some lettuce and kale seed were planted in the whiskey barrel on the patio. The ornamental grasses were cut back as well as the butterfly bush and other shrubs and perennials cleaned up. My right hand thumb won't open up this morning from working with the clippers so long. The shed was swept out and restacked, and I mean stacked!
E stayed with me this weekend since she was really under the weather with a cough and sore throat. Luckily I got her in to the doc on Friday morn so antibiotics and some codeine- laced cough med kicked in well by yesterday. We had rented " The Prestige" (fantastic and convoluted), "The Lake House" ( her choice, haven't watched it yet), "The Gift" ( don't know anything about it yet) and yesterday we watched " Little Miss Sunshine". I give it a 9 outta 10. I loved it, everything about it. She'll go with her dad today when he comes thru on his way to his ma and pa's. I'll have an hour or two really by myself. Looks like it will be a nice day again for outside work. Just nothing that will require the use of my thumb. Maybe today is the day for a patio lounge stint.
I think well in the shower. I have many ideas and revelations in the shower.
Just now in the shower the crystallization of what is wrong lately with me came to me in a sentence. Ok, that sentence is gone now but the gist was...I am tired of Wildman. He isn't what I want right now. I don't love him like he loves me and I feel smothered by him. And that worries me because if I let him go, the kids will really, and I mean really be in bad shape, especially J. He adores Wildman and right now while both E and J are in such a critical time of seeing relationships I'm in and how I handle them, I am reluctant to end anything. They need some "good father figure" time too and they both get that from him. I know it would cause heartache for Wildman as well and that makes me cringe since he is having the time of his life, according to him. I love that he is happy.
I haven't given much thought on how to fix this either other than what I've already done, which is to confide in Wildman about my need for space .
I have my hands and heart full with my kids and friends. THAT really scares me. Am I not capable of having a long term relationship? How am I going to show the kids how to have a good relationship if I can't have one?! I need to talk to Wildman, I know but I don't know what else to tell him besides to give me some freakin room. I want to proceed the right way, not burning any bridges as I go. I tend to hold everything in and then make a wrong move. And I hate confrontations but less than I used to. I see the necessity of it. I just don't have much confidence in handling them well.
I was very open when Wildman and I first met. I told him, and it hasn't changed, I was open minded but I wasn't looking for a marriage partner. I was looking for a person who was a good friend and a lover that would treat me well and I in turn would do the same. We have a warm and caring relationship, both of us devoted and committed to each other's needs. It hasn't been hard to do because he is a fine man. But he needs me too much. He needs to be in close proximity with me, seriously, or he tells me he is dying to see me, needs me, misses me, when can he see me, a constant barrage of texts and calls and emails. He has told me he had no life until he met me and now I believe it. I am the center of his world (his words). I can't tell him I need time by myself without feeling guilty because it hurts him so much. He is aware of my schedule and that I am stretched thin. So I am constantly feeling pressured to see him. I can't imagine living with him because I wouldn't be able to do anything without him holding on to me, literally. I don't know how else to get it across to him I need some space.
God, when I read this , I sound like a whiney dipshit. Who wouldn't give their eye teeth to have devotion and love like this? I am finding out I am more independent than I originally thought I was.
The other item that has me twisted in knots is my dad's status. My mom is doing well on the medication, coping better but my dad is in such a state of decline, it is becoming a tremendous job day to day to care for him. We have been shocked at his decline since late last fall. He seems to slide down quickly and never really recover any ground. In the first few years, he would slide down and then recover some ground. He has had 3 of those slides since November. He is so belligerent we fear he will really hurt her when she isn't prepared. He already grabs her arm and squeezes which leaves bruises. It hurts her heart more than her arm. He won't take his medication much either and of course she has resorted to hiding it in food but some is too large to hide or not possible to grind up. This has serious consequences too, making him more susceptible to angry outbursts and unmanageability. I don't know to what point she is determined to try to keep him with us. I suppose we will discuss this next weekend when I take the kids over spring break. We need a new plan.
On a good note, yesterday I worked in my yard and completed many tasks I needed and wanted to get done. The strawberry bed is dug up and covered with clear plastic to warm. The shed door has been patched with some wood screws since the nails they had used on the very rotten boards were stripped. It should hold for a few more months until summer. A few herbs were planted in some plastic seed starters, salad mix, some lettuce and kale seed were planted in the whiskey barrel on the patio. The ornamental grasses were cut back as well as the butterfly bush and other shrubs and perennials cleaned up. My right hand thumb won't open up this morning from working with the clippers so long. The shed was swept out and restacked, and I mean stacked!
E stayed with me this weekend since she was really under the weather with a cough and sore throat. Luckily I got her in to the doc on Friday morn so antibiotics and some codeine- laced cough med kicked in well by yesterday. We had rented " The Prestige" (fantastic and convoluted), "The Lake House" ( her choice, haven't watched it yet), "The Gift" ( don't know anything about it yet) and yesterday we watched " Little Miss Sunshine". I give it a 9 outta 10. I loved it, everything about it. She'll go with her dad today when he comes thru on his way to his ma and pa's. I'll have an hour or two really by myself. Looks like it will be a nice day again for outside work. Just nothing that will require the use of my thumb. Maybe today is the day for a patio lounge stint.
posted by Unknown at 5:24 PM
10 Comments:
Wow! You should be exhausted. You have way too much stuff on your plate, and none of them have easy answers.On Wildman - A healthy relationship respects each another enough to allow adequate breathing room.Your kids are involved so the answer is hard, but your kids have a good mom. They will be happiest when you are happy.
The problem with your dad has no good solution. He is no longer able to care for himself. The question now is what is best for your mom. We had to put my day in a nursing home and it was the hardest thing we ever did, but it was the only way if mom was going to survive. I'll pray that God gives an extra lump of wisdom as you try to figure out what to do. Blessings on you head.
I'm sorry you are feeling so much stress right now. I was once in a relationship with a wonderful man who wanted to be around me constantly. He was extremely affectionate as well. I cared for him, but I felt like he was lint stuck on my sweater at times. That man never got the hint that he needed to back off. My problem was not being direct. In fact, the more I hinted at needing space...the more clingy he got. It sounds like you have been open and honest with Wildman. That's great. In essence, Wildman has to pick between having you in his life to a lesser extent or not having you in his life at all. As much as it sounds like you mean to him, it's great you are giving him an opportunity to adjust and make it workable. If he truly needs someone who can be anything and everything to him, you're just as wrong for him as he is for you. There's no guilt in that. You're even.
The situation with your Dad sounds tough. I really feel for your Mom. Stay strong and know we are thinking of and praying for you and your family.
You really have a quandary overload going on right now. :-( I wish I had answers for you, sounds like mom and lisa p pretty much covered what I would tell you too. I can tell you one thing for sure, lisa was right about needing to be direct and how when she hinted at needing space, he got more clingy. In the early couple of years of my relationship (the man I am married to now) I was the clingy one. He was much more independent than I and I was the sort that just loved spending time with the man I loved. When he started "hinting" that he needed time alone without me around, I didn't get it, instead, I thought the worst, I assumed it meant he didn't want me anymore and was trying to back out... or maybe he preferred the company of someone else... all sorts of things. And the result of that was that I got even more clingy (not intending to, I was just scared). Over time, I learned to back off but for me, the easiest way for me to give him his alone time was after we moved in together.Sounds odd but true. All the stress was off and just living in the same house, it was enough for me to pass him in the hall now and then and sleep together at night. We did things together when we wanted and we each had our own things to do separately as well. Now we are married, with a toddler of our own and trying for another. We are both happier than ever. I am not in any way suggesting you make the move to live with Wildman, especially if you don't feel for him the way he does for you. But in my case, it worked out. Like lisa said, you need to be direct with him. Don't hint around at it because, in my experience, that will just scare him and make him more of what you do not want. Once you are open and completely honest with him, he may realize the effect his clingyness has on you and he might surprise you by understanding and you might be surprised to find yourself more attracted to him than ever before (or not). I know you want to put your children first though, been there too. No one can really tell you what you should do..it's just something your heart is going to have to lead you to.
For movie night... I loved "The Lake House". The concept is baffling, and it is completely unrealistic...but hey, I watch movies to escape reality. And it is a feel good movie that after seeing it three or four times, STILL makes me cry at the end. :-)
I agree with Mom...but I think that you have to be more definitive with Wildman in terms of what you want. Just tell him the truth. No, it isn't easy and it isn't fun but in the end, you have to watch out for you.
Thanks mom, lisa p, butterfly and otis. your thoughts are useful since they are common sensical. I agree with being straightforward and especially when hinting will cause Wildman to worry even when he says he won't. What I have to remember is wildman will have to adjust to less contact or not having me at all. I have to be strong and not let his needs override what I really need. I'm used to putting everyones' needs above mine and I am beginning to resent it. That makes Greeny no fun! And I have been the clingy one in a relationship. I know of what you speak.
And butterfly, yeah, about the marriage thing- good to hear it's working out nicely!!! We've been waiting to hear!
Mom, so true about my mom and dad. My mom needs more resources at her disposal but they live in such a backwater area, help like she needs is non-existant. Only my brother, sister and she see to him. The rest of the family (peripheral) has pretty much taken steps backward.
Finally tonight we will watch " The Lakehouse". Last night I watched " The Gift" with Cate Blanchette. It was a good thriller.
Thanks mom, lisa p, butterfly and otis. your thoughts are useful since they are common sensical. I agree with being straightforward and especially when hinting will cause Wildman to worry even when he says he won't. What I have to remember is wildman will have to adjust to less contact or not having me at all. I have to be strong and not let his needs override what I really need. I'm used to putting everyones' needs above mine and I am beginning to resent it. That makes Greeny no fun! And I have been the clingy one in a relationship. I know of what you speak.
And butterfly, yeah, about the marriage thing- good to hear it's working out nicely!!! We've been waiting to hear!
Mom, so true about my mom and dad. My mom needs more resources at her disposal but they live in such a backwater area, help like she needs is non-existant. Only my brother, sister and she see to him. The rest of the family (peripheral) has pretty much taken steps backward.
Finally tonight we will watch " The Lakehouse". Last night I watched " The Gift" with Cate Blanchette. It was a good thriller.
Wow. Again. That's a mess of stuff but good on you for figuring this out. I hope you are able to figure out your next steps with Wildman. Oh, I know you will. Give yourself credit. And the stuff with your dad...that's so hard. Thinking of you. Glad you have all that garden therapy!
I wish I could pour you a martini or two. Sounds like your garden will benefit from all your anxieties. At least you have that constructive outlet.
I totally understand about the lint-boyfriend. Right now I don't want to "belong" to anybody but me - any my kids.
I used to think I wanted that kind of devotion, but the claustrophobia won.
The right decisions with the people you love are often very difficult ones.
This'll sound bad...
I've often thought that if my wife and I split, I would swear off relationships altogether. Not because I would not want to have one, but because of the impact they have on the kids.
What must it be like for kids to live through divorce then have to relive little mini-"divorces" every time a relationship goes south?
How many painful attachment/separation cycles will they go through before they will no longer "attach?"
I hope you find a solution that works best hand hurts least...for all concerned.
AM thanks for the martini thoughts.
I was really wanting someone in my life to spend time with when I met Wildman. I didn't see this independent side coming. We have seen each other for over 2 years and I didn't introduce him and his kids to mine for several months because I wanted to make sure he added, not detracted anything from our lives.
Iamnot, I agree about
the upheaval divorce,separation and those other relationships can bring to kid's lives. I just didn't think about it soon enough to prevent the first ones. But I am trying to figure this one out.
Thanks for the well-wishing.
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