My mom and dad were both from broken homes. They had a damn good marriage until my dad went in the nursing home.
Really they still have a good marriage with what is left because my mom is still devoted to my dad. She visits him every day making sure she gets by before he is too sleepy to stay awake, makes sure his clothes are comfortable, makes sure his room has interesting things for him to see and do, if the
possibility arises. She sees to his meals if she is there at mealtime (and other's too, if the staff is too busy), and walks and talks as much as possible with him. She sees to his comfort.
She misses him. And nothing makes me cry faster than when she tells me he knew her when she visited and wanted to go home with her. Thank god it doesn't happen very often.
And if the shoe was on the other foot, I've no doubt my dad would be doing the same thing for my mom.
I was considering how interesting it is that from two people who came from such strained and broken
families managed to find with each other a very strong bond of friendship and devotion. I would say they both knew from experiencing their own family's death what they wanted from their own marriage. My mother has even said as much. She and Daddy discussed it specifically. They wanted a strong partnership since they both had witnessed the opposite. What is strange is they had an example each of bad relationships. What they ended up with was a model marriage.
Don't misunderstand. They fought and cried and hated each other at times but still stayed devoted. There was dispair and embarrassmaent, sadness and pain. The regular stuff.
Don't many people do what they have learned? Shouldn't they have had a
disastrous marriage? I know I did.
My life in this family had strained times, things I couldn't figure out, loneliness and frustration. But I also had security, strong good roles models, a tight family unit and fun.
What is bad in my mind is how little I took from their example and applied to my relationships. I regret I didn't learn more from them sooner. I wasn't consciously aware of what I was seeing.
Their purposeful discussions and ability to compromise, agreeing on a goal and putting their heads down until they had reached it, supporting each other in almost everything- that's some of the hardest things to do in a marriage. Am I right? And through it all, they stayed friends and ick- lovers, and equal in their efforts. They were both so strong willed.
As I write this I am again aware of just what they had accomplished. Out of all the marriages of their siblings, theirs had been the most successful.
I think it was partly luck and partly hard work. How lucky to find a mate that stays as devoted to a marriage during 50 years, that is willing to work as hard as they both did for 50 freaking years!
Maybe I can pass this knowledge along to my kids instead of my messes. It skipped a generation but maybe can land in theirs.
Have a kick- ass Saturday!