Ode To A Model Marriage
My mom and dad were both from broken homes. They had a damn good marriage until my dad went in the nursing home.
Really they still have a good marriage with what is left because my mom is still devoted to my dad. She visits him every day making sure she gets by before he is too sleepy to stay awake, makes sure his clothes are comfortable, makes sure his room has interesting things for him to see and do, if the possibility arises. She sees to his meals if she is there at mealtime (and other's too, if the staff is too busy), and walks and talks as much as possible with him. She sees to his comfort.
She misses him. And nothing makes me cry faster than when she tells me he knew her when she visited and wanted to go home with her. Thank god it doesn't happen very often.
And if the shoe was on the other foot, I've no doubt my dad would be doing the same thing for my mom.
I was considering how interesting it is that from two people who came from such strained and broken families managed to find with each other a very strong bond of friendship and devotion. I would say they both knew from experiencing their own family's death what they wanted from their own marriage. My mother has even said as much. She and Daddy discussed it specifically. They wanted a strong partnership since they both had witnessed the opposite. What is strange is they had an example each of bad relationships. What they ended up with was a model marriage.
Don't misunderstand. They fought and cried and hated each other at times but still stayed devoted. There was dispair and embarrassmaent, sadness and pain. The regular stuff.
Don't many people do what they have learned? Shouldn't they have had a disastrous marriage? I know I did.
My life in this family had strained times, things I couldn't figure out, loneliness and frustration. But I also had security, strong good roles models, a tight family unit and fun.
What is bad in my mind is how little I took from their example and applied to my relationships. I regret I didn't learn more from them sooner. I wasn't consciously aware of what I was seeing.
Their purposeful discussions and ability to compromise, agreeing on a goal and putting their heads down until they had reached it, supporting each other in almost everything- that's some of the hardest things to do in a marriage. Am I right? And through it all, they stayed friends and ick- lovers, and equal in their efforts. They were both so strong willed.
As I write this I am again aware of just what they had accomplished. Out of all the marriages of their siblings, theirs had been the most successful.
I think it was partly luck and partly hard work. How lucky to find a mate that stays as devoted to a marriage during 50 years, that is willing to work as hard as they both did for 50 freaking years!
Maybe I can pass this knowledge along to my kids instead of my messes. It skipped a generation but maybe can land in theirs.
Have a kick- ass Saturday!
Really they still have a good marriage with what is left because my mom is still devoted to my dad. She visits him every day making sure she gets by before he is too sleepy to stay awake, makes sure his clothes are comfortable, makes sure his room has interesting things for him to see and do, if the possibility arises. She sees to his meals if she is there at mealtime (and other's too, if the staff is too busy), and walks and talks as much as possible with him. She sees to his comfort.
She misses him. And nothing makes me cry faster than when she tells me he knew her when she visited and wanted to go home with her. Thank god it doesn't happen very often.
And if the shoe was on the other foot, I've no doubt my dad would be doing the same thing for my mom.
I was considering how interesting it is that from two people who came from such strained and broken families managed to find with each other a very strong bond of friendship and devotion. I would say they both knew from experiencing their own family's death what they wanted from their own marriage. My mother has even said as much. She and Daddy discussed it specifically. They wanted a strong partnership since they both had witnessed the opposite. What is strange is they had an example each of bad relationships. What they ended up with was a model marriage.
Don't misunderstand. They fought and cried and hated each other at times but still stayed devoted. There was dispair and embarrassmaent, sadness and pain. The regular stuff.
Don't many people do what they have learned? Shouldn't they have had a disastrous marriage? I know I did.
My life in this family had strained times, things I couldn't figure out, loneliness and frustration. But I also had security, strong good roles models, a tight family unit and fun.
What is bad in my mind is how little I took from their example and applied to my relationships. I regret I didn't learn more from them sooner. I wasn't consciously aware of what I was seeing.
Their purposeful discussions and ability to compromise, agreeing on a goal and putting their heads down until they had reached it, supporting each other in almost everything- that's some of the hardest things to do in a marriage. Am I right? And through it all, they stayed friends and ick- lovers, and equal in their efforts. They were both so strong willed.
As I write this I am again aware of just what they had accomplished. Out of all the marriages of their siblings, theirs had been the most successful.
I think it was partly luck and partly hard work. How lucky to find a mate that stays as devoted to a marriage during 50 years, that is willing to work as hard as they both did for 50 freaking years!
Maybe I can pass this knowledge along to my kids instead of my messes. It skipped a generation but maybe can land in theirs.
Have a kick- ass Saturday!
posted by Unknown at 5:59 PM
9 Comments:
Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful.
Don't be so hard on yourself. After all it takes TWO people working together to make a long lasting marriage.
TAG
Your folks are both wise and lucky. They had the sense to discuss what they wanted, but they also had the luck to find someone who was faithful to the plans and dreams they had discussed. You and your kids are blessed by their long, happy marriage.
If I comment what I am thinking I think I may be banned! Dont post this if you are offended! I dont mean to do that!!!!!
I just came from Ricardos blog http://www.un-loaded.com/... he was talking about people settling. I wonder how much of this (your folks)is giving up of their own dreams for the good of the union? I wonder.
Did they each fulfill their own dreams? Or did they put their needs asside for the other. Not that that is wrong or bad or unenviable for sure... its just that it seems that when you are young you have to sacrifice and give up your own needs so that later in life someone will be there with you when you are less than desirable.
I wonder if that person without the spouse in the nursing home is any less comforted than your Dad?
OK my point... Greeny, you birthed lovely children, raised them to be wonderful people, and decided that you didnt want to be married to their Dad.
I think that the message you sent to your children was as valid as the one your parents have sent to you... you are your own person and can be happy/productive on your own ORRRRR with a partner.
I think you are a great role model for your kids... so to are your parents. They have the great benefit of being able to learn from both parties!
I second Kate.
My parents will be married 39 years, and I only stayed married 3...so I know where you come from. It has taken me till now to really get marriage, and commitment. I don't think I had it at 27.
I think you're showing your children that you're not a failure because it didn't work out. That it's better to be strong and alone then lonely and longing and with someone.
Loved the post.
Thanks John. Glad to see ya.
tag, I am just being realistic. I do understand. Thanks for stopping by.
We have been blessed. Thanks mom.
That is a lovely tribute...and I would second the view of those who encourage you to not be too hard on yourself. Your kids have the example of their grandparents and of you, making hard choices. They'll be fine.
Hi,Kate. I tried finding Ricardo's blog but missed it somehow.
I am not usually put off by different ideas so not to worry.
Oh, yeah, there was a lot of times Mother caved to what Daddy wanted. She supported his ideas even when it was harder on her because...and this is the biggy- she wanted him to be happy and/or satisfied with his lot in life. In turn he gave her much credit and respect for her role she helped play in his life. That was hugely satisfying to her.
One big thing about them both was neither were afraid to work hard and sacrifice and they both knew it. One wasn't less likely to pull his/her weight than the other.
I understand what you were saying and I can agree that situation has always been there- settling. I don't think short of marriage and a family, my mom or dad had any huge dreams they had to let go.
I think I am not being hard on myself so much as taking in what I missed and really could have, should have used. I think my kids will be okay. That is if I can quit obsessing about getting it right with them!
Hi, Jetpass.
Yeah, as much as I enjoy and find pleasure in my 40's, the other side of the coin is realizing the wrongs of my past. I am facing them to understand them, then hopefully putting them aside.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi, Lorraine. Loved your post about JP. Life can be grand with friends ...and champagne!
Thanks for the good words.
And thanks for your
Lorraine, and thanks for stopping by. That's what I meant to write.
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