The relatives in my life have spoken. I should marry this man I have been seeing for 2 years. They believe I'm doing my children a disservice with being "his" but not married. HHHHmmm and AAarrrgggghhh!
Let's examine Wildman.
Smart, deeply humorous and quick witted, spiritual, active, extra appreciative of my real self, loving, romantic, athletic, appreciative of my children, big listening gene, huge pampering gene, a people person. I've taken a long time to let his character "settle out" and I've watched carefully so I could make the right call on him. He has flaws- too lenient as a father as well as not demanding respect from his kids, not good with money in the least (remember the pampering?) but that's really all I can see as among the more glaring probs.
Let's examine my past history of marriage and mistakes.
When I married the kid's dad, it was because my mom told me I should stop living with him and marry him(exactly what she is saying now) . I thought"why not?" So did he. We weren't right for each other in many ways but the biggest problem and probably the most fixable was he didn't share himself with me and I didn't communicate well to him. It permeated every aspect of our marriage. But when we separated and then divorced, I still didn't know the real answer as to why. I was the one that started the separation and divorce. He was in shock. I still hate the thought of how I handled it all.
Then I moved on within 6 months of that divorce to drag my children and myself into a living hell. A man and his kids that was so controlling and manipulative that I wasn't prepared for or aware of the spiral I was going down into. No family contact, no friend contact. It was a wonder I was even allowed to go to work( less than 1/2 a mile from his). I survived( and I mean mean that in the truest sense mentally) and have come to understand this misadventure as well as the first marriage, really allowing myself to look at my mistakes and the exs. I even have given the guilt up of removing my children from their father without really trying find a better solution.
Let's examine what disservice I am or am not truly forcing on my children.
I really am examining what harm not marrying Wildman will cause my children. We have discussed my ex relationships in depth as far as what the problems were. They know I am seeking a better understanding of how relationships should work for me and in doing so, hopefully leading them to think about what makes a good relationship for themselves. They see the commitment I have to Wildman and the loving caring attitude we share toward each other. We talk about right and wrongs of any relationships they and I have and to be true to what they want while being good to the people they are involved with.
Wildman and I haven't discussed in length any future plans. I was open and very honest about not wanting to think about any kind of future plans. I wanted us to explore the "now" since we both had lost ourselves in our other marriages and he agrees this is the best he's ever felt about himself and his relationship with a mate. I have never been more happy than I am right now in my life. However, the natural direction a healthy relationship takes is moving toward the "joining". I guess that's why everyone is interested in us "joining" but I can't say I am. I like to have my autonomy. I adore my space with my kids. I feel secure and I want my kids to feel secure, too. It feels right to me to want to stay unmarried. But am I making a mistake? Is there some glaring problem I don't see with this arrangement? I don't want to feel pressure to get married and when that ball starts rolling, it's hard to stop it.
Is it sending a message of selfishness or non-commitment to my kids? Will they look at marriage as something they can take or leave. Is that a bad thing? Will that kind of thinking make them prey to non-commiting types? I can see myself being understanding to a degree if my daughter decided to move in with someone instead of marrying them.. is that too hippy-ish? Does that mean their commitment to each other is any less? I don't know.
I'll be working on this for a while.
in my previous post. We also provided ice-cold fruit and raspberry teas along with lemonade.
