Da-dum-da-dum, da-dum-da-dum....(that was the wedding march)
The relatives in my life have spoken. I should marry this man I have been seeing for 2 years. They believe I'm doing my children a disservice with being "his" but not married. HHHHmmm and AAarrrgggghhh!
Let's examine Wildman.
Smart, deeply humorous and quick witted, spiritual, active, extra appreciative of my real self, loving, romantic, athletic, appreciative of my children, big listening gene, huge pampering gene, a people person. I've taken a long time to let his character "settle out" and I've watched carefully so I could make the right call on him. He has flaws- too lenient as a father as well as not demanding respect from his kids, not good with money in the least (remember the pampering?) but that's really all I can see as among the more glaring probs.
Let's examine my past history of marriage and mistakes.
When I married the kid's dad, it was because my mom told me I should stop living with him and marry him(exactly what she is saying now) . I thought"why not?" So did he. We weren't right for each other in many ways but the biggest problem and probably the most fixable was he didn't share himself with me and I didn't communicate well to him. It permeated every aspect of our marriage. But when we separated and then divorced, I still didn't know the real answer as to why. I was the one that started the separation and divorce. He was in shock. I still hate the thought of how I handled it all.
Then I moved on within 6 months of that divorce to drag my children and myself into a living hell. A man and his kids that was so controlling and manipulative that I wasn't prepared for or aware of the spiral I was going down into. No family contact, no friend contact. It was a wonder I was even allowed to go to work( less than 1/2 a mile from his). I survived( and I mean mean that in the truest sense mentally) and have come to understand this misadventure as well as the first marriage, really allowing myself to look at my mistakes and the exs. I even have given the guilt up of removing my children from their father without really trying find a better solution.
Let's examine what disservice I am or am not truly forcing on my children.
I really am examining what harm not marrying Wildman will cause my children. We have discussed my ex relationships in depth as far as what the problems were. They know I am seeking a better understanding of how relationships should work for me and in doing so, hopefully leading them to think about what makes a good relationship for themselves. They see the commitment I have to Wildman and the loving caring attitude we share toward each other. We talk about right and wrongs of any relationships they and I have and to be true to what they want while being good to the people they are involved with.
Wildman and I haven't discussed in length any future plans. I was open and very honest about not wanting to think about any kind of future plans. I wanted us to explore the "now" since we both had lost ourselves in our other marriages and he agrees this is the best he's ever felt about himself and his relationship with a mate. I have never been more happy than I am right now in my life. However, the natural direction a healthy relationship takes is moving toward the "joining". I guess that's why everyone is interested in us "joining" but I can't say I am. I like to have my autonomy. I adore my space with my kids. I feel secure and I want my kids to feel secure, too. It feels right to me to want to stay unmarried. But am I making a mistake? Is there some glaring problem I don't see with this arrangement? I don't want to feel pressure to get married and when that ball starts rolling, it's hard to stop it.
Is it sending a message of selfishness or non-commitment to my kids? Will they look at marriage as something they can take or leave. Is that a bad thing? Will that kind of thinking make them prey to non-commiting types? I can see myself being understanding to a degree if my daughter decided to move in with someone instead of marrying them.. is that too hippy-ish? Does that mean their commitment to each other is any less? I don't know.
I'll be working on this for a while.
Let's examine Wildman.
Smart, deeply humorous and quick witted, spiritual, active, extra appreciative of my real self, loving, romantic, athletic, appreciative of my children, big listening gene, huge pampering gene, a people person. I've taken a long time to let his character "settle out" and I've watched carefully so I could make the right call on him. He has flaws- too lenient as a father as well as not demanding respect from his kids, not good with money in the least (remember the pampering?) but that's really all I can see as among the more glaring probs.
Let's examine my past history of marriage and mistakes.
When I married the kid's dad, it was because my mom told me I should stop living with him and marry him(exactly what she is saying now) . I thought"why not?" So did he. We weren't right for each other in many ways but the biggest problem and probably the most fixable was he didn't share himself with me and I didn't communicate well to him. It permeated every aspect of our marriage. But when we separated and then divorced, I still didn't know the real answer as to why. I was the one that started the separation and divorce. He was in shock. I still hate the thought of how I handled it all.
Then I moved on within 6 months of that divorce to drag my children and myself into a living hell. A man and his kids that was so controlling and manipulative that I wasn't prepared for or aware of the spiral I was going down into. No family contact, no friend contact. It was a wonder I was even allowed to go to work( less than 1/2 a mile from his). I survived( and I mean mean that in the truest sense mentally) and have come to understand this misadventure as well as the first marriage, really allowing myself to look at my mistakes and the exs. I even have given the guilt up of removing my children from their father without really trying find a better solution.
Let's examine what disservice I am or am not truly forcing on my children.
I really am examining what harm not marrying Wildman will cause my children. We have discussed my ex relationships in depth as far as what the problems were. They know I am seeking a better understanding of how relationships should work for me and in doing so, hopefully leading them to think about what makes a good relationship for themselves. They see the commitment I have to Wildman and the loving caring attitude we share toward each other. We talk about right and wrongs of any relationships they and I have and to be true to what they want while being good to the people they are involved with.
Wildman and I haven't discussed in length any future plans. I was open and very honest about not wanting to think about any kind of future plans. I wanted us to explore the "now" since we both had lost ourselves in our other marriages and he agrees this is the best he's ever felt about himself and his relationship with a mate. I have never been more happy than I am right now in my life. However, the natural direction a healthy relationship takes is moving toward the "joining". I guess that's why everyone is interested in us "joining" but I can't say I am. I like to have my autonomy. I adore my space with my kids. I feel secure and I want my kids to feel secure, too. It feels right to me to want to stay unmarried. But am I making a mistake? Is there some glaring problem I don't see with this arrangement? I don't want to feel pressure to get married and when that ball starts rolling, it's hard to stop it.
Is it sending a message of selfishness or non-commitment to my kids? Will they look at marriage as something they can take or leave. Is that a bad thing? Will that kind of thinking make them prey to non-commiting types? I can see myself being understanding to a degree if my daughter decided to move in with someone instead of marrying them.. is that too hippy-ish? Does that mean their commitment to each other is any less? I don't know.
I'll be working on this for a while.
posted by Unknown at 4:23 PM
12 Comments:
Don't marry him (sorry Wildman). At least not yet. Not before it becomes something you wake up in the morning and just know you want to do.
Certainly not for Mom.
"I wanted us to explore the "now" since we both had lost ourselves in our other marriages and he agrees this is the best he's ever felt about himself and his relationship with a mate. I have never been more happy than I am right now in my life."
This may be your own best answer...
I don't believe in getting married because you're pregnant, nor staying married for the children. In the end, one happy, loving parent outweighs two miserable ones.
You'll know when it's time, and if you're having to ponder it more than half a second, wait. If he loves you, he's not going anywhere anyhow.
Ok, I agree with all comments but does not marrying him any time soon send the wrong message to my impressionable science projects? What does a parent do in this case?
Talk to them and see how they feel.
I would do this without Wildman just to see what they have to say.
Remember, "from out of the mouths of babes..."
Greeny, I'm going to sound harsh...
I never would have brought a live-in in the house with my kids.
So for me, your concern for the state of the barn door is a bit late. That cow's already left.
Wow, I didn't mention Wildman and I don't live together. We live 40 minutes apart. He has his kids 1/2 the time and their mother lives very close. That works well for him as well, having his own space with his kids.
I am a big fan of the marital state. But not for everyone all the time in every circumstance. You strike me as someone who knows her own heart. You can trust that.
As for the science projects, some of this depends on their ages. I think that not living with him is certainly wise. Ultimately, you want to teach them the importance of commitment but coupled with all the right reasons for committing. You don't get married just to make it ok to have sex or because everyone else thinks you're ready or any of that other crap. It sounds to me like you are modeling to your kids the idea of taking your time, being discerning, attempting to not repeat the mistakes of the past. How could any of that be harming them? You talk to your kids. You listen to them. That is what is important.
I hope you will be very happy. Married or not.
Well...now don't I feel like the big friggin fool...
Sorry, I thought I remembered that you guys lived together.
Please forgive me. I get overzealous where kids are concerned.
Don't sweat it, Iamnot. I wasn't offended. I don't think either he or I want to make a move toward anyting till our kids are much older or gone from the house. I don't feel it's wrong for me. I just want to live a good example for my kids but is this a good example?
Am I too late to join this conversation? I was on vacation.
I've been 3.5 years single again. I can see how it would have been easy to get sucked down the drain of the first relationship out. Those would only be regrets if you didn't learn from them.
Wildman sounds wonderful. I haven't met anyone who I could describe as you do him. I think it would be great to have one man to love who loved me who my family liked too. I can see that you would be happy in this arrangement.
I would be reluctant to marry too though. There are some wonderful aspects to being single. I think if I could arrange things to suit me, I would have a wildman and not consider moving in together - married or not - until my kids were closer to leaving the nest. I don't need help there. I don't really want help there. But it would be great if eveyone liked each other. That's different than living together.
I'm feeling pretty cynical about the institution of marriage. There are some legal benefits, but you could arrange those without marriage. I would like the fairy tale, but I'm not counting on it.
I know you are a conscientious parent and are doing them a great service by discussing this openly with them. I'm not sure if they are the ones with the final say, however. I'm sure you would consider their opinions, but don't let anyone else make the choice for you.
Why fix what's not broken?
I think that you did answer your own question and it sounds as if you are asking a parenting question not really a relationship question. What are you trying to express to your children? If you love someone and it works you have to marry? To be honest you already live with him, and that was probably the biggest step. They SEE that you are in a committed relationship and not just sleeping around. Actions speak far further than words.
If you decide to marry it should be for you and Wildman. Not for the children. How about going to family counceling together as a group to see if the kids have any unresolved feelings that you all need to address? If so address them. If not then leave a great situation alone!
Just my thoughts!
Great post. Thought provoking!
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