What a fabulous trip. The water was perfectly invigorating, the day turned out exactly right for a float and the company was laid back. The only glitch was the screwdriver concoction didn't go nearly far enuff. Duh! What the hell was I thinking?! Anyway, thank goodness for the liquor store Possum Crossin we came across in the middle of nowhere. I found a new wine to add to my list- Boone's Farm Orange Hurricane and I also purchase Buttershots since I had a close friend who doesn't usually drink who needed something easy to sip.
There were umpteen thousand turtles sunning and let me tell you, there were some monster snapping turtles plus a few snakes, and plenty of fish, even a rainbow trout Russell, our angler caught. There was a few nice rapids and an entertaining portion of the trip at the gigantic rope swing. Yes, I had a successful turn. In the kayak, it's easy to maneuver up to the bank and harvest a few maidenhair ferns or arrowhead plants for my boggy area or to check out the snake coiled up on a snag( he had round pupils) . Or to pick up the beer or a pull on the whiskey flask.
Guess there is another trip proposed for the week before school starts back. It's down on the calendar in ink.

Weather report..sunny and breezy...
Highs in the 80's..
Swim suit..check.
Hat and sunscreen..check.
towel..check.
cooler and bungees..check
Iced screwdriver, extra potent...check and check.
Extra iced water...check.
Lunch served at a midway point along the river..check.
Now if I could just find my river shoes...
A trip to a beautiful Ozark river for a bit of kayaking with those teacher buddies of mine...I am so lucky!

This is a bit freaky to see...it is almost dead on for me. But I know 2 partners I definitely was not ideal for.

***Your Power Color Is Teal***
At Your Highest:
You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future.
At Your Lowest:
You feel in a slump and lack creativity.
In Love:
You tend to be many people's ideal partner.
How You're Attractive:
You make people feel confident and accepted.
Your Eternal Question:
"What Impression Am I Giving?"
What's Your Power Color?http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpowercolorquiz/

Today the kid's dad is no longer in his house nearby but moved in with his girlfriend 30 miles away.
My daughter is feeling the loss. It coincides with the loss of her middle school days and the beginning of HS as well as a teacher she has been especially close to since 1st grade. She had a very hard day yesterday saying goodby to these things.
This is my loss too, my heart and head are telling me. I've had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for several days now. I guess it's because it has been a stable 3 or so years with him nearby and available to the kids and it's been amicable between us from the start but that will change with the "move-in" and into her house on top of that. I worry about my duaghter's ability to be mature enough to handle the slings and arrows from this overly sensitive, opinionated, heavy-handed woman. I realize E will have to grow up and suck it up during her visits(thank goodness they are only weekend visits, althought there will be 4 different weeks of summer vacation with Dad) but it's too bad she is the one that has to maintain some level of maturity. I don't give E the feeling she is always in the right and I don't bash the girlfriend. Which is hard since I've come to not like her very much. It's approached from the view that this is something E will have to learn to live with and to develop her coping skills with.
My plan is to discuss with E about the importance of her going into this with a bit of positive thinking and maturity, and if things start to decline with a few visits under her belt, it will be time to have a discussion with the dad. He is aware of the problems between the females but I'm not at all sure if he takes a proactive approach or just doens't know what to do so he does nothing.
J is just ecstatic since the girlfriend has a son his age he digs. He is into the move so at least one isn't struggling with the move.

This is what I'd like to be doing on Mother's Day . A bottle of Pinot Noir and sunshine on the 9th floor balcony. Alas, I will be a good girl and go home to my Mother and see if I can cook her a mediocre dinner, do a few chores for her, give her some specially selected music good for soothing the soul. There will be another sunshiney balcony in my future and undoubtedly more wine.


Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age ~William Feather, The Business of Life, 1949 around the world.

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. ~Marilyn Penland

A+ n science

Ok, tonight with the eminent school's end, I am feeling pride in my wonderful little science projects and their accomplishments. I can't believe I have such wonderful kids and my feelings overwhelm me. Ok, they are brats at times fully irritating the crap out of me. E's whining and constant worrying and J's wearing of the clip-on earring and griping about having a shower EVERY night-- it can get old. But like childbirth pain, I forget these tribulations when I see E's scores on her 8th grade career exploration test or I spend time just shooting the breeze with her. Or when people tell me how J's imagination is fantastic( in a good way, I think) or he is complimented on how generous and cool he is, I just think this is the coolest job in the world. I wouldn't trade it for any amount of anything. There isn't anyone else I would want to spend my time with then these two. So many times we have spewed milk and /or wine out of our mouths (not noses, dang it) laughing over something one of us says at the dinner table. We can take a silly nothing between us and build it to hilarious heights. And the parts of me I don't like or appreciate enough are lost on them. I am Mom with the clean house that still is comfortable for kids and the garden they explore, the mom who, once in a while, can be talked into letting them stay up for Scrubs at 8:30 or Grey's Anatomy At 9 on a school night when they need to be in bed, the mom who knows how to take the time to really talk to them about what is wrong and find something for a solution before we end the conversation, the mom who plays catch instead of getting my other pressing work done or helps witht that damn Algebra 1 (a lot different then when I had it ) until all hours of the night. Yeah, I rock, maybe more in my own mind then theirs but the way we co-exists together and the transformation I see leads me to think they love me, they really love me. Whew! For now....I know I'm not in the clear yet.
All of my years of treacherous weirdness has led me to these moments and it seems without much thought, I'd say I wouldn't want to change a thing.

whew! I have realized through reading other people's blogs how incapable I am at expressing my inner feelings or thoughts with words. It is a struggle. I recognize when people can do it because when people express themselves clearly and interestingly, it strikes a cord in me. I have depth and I believe it is sizable. I just have such TROUBLE! with expressing it. My head swims with all the things that are in me. I am no dummy knowing words and understanding concepts but put me on a job of constructing a letter to nominate a colleague for an award and I am unable to finish a complete sentence or find the correct adjective. Just now I re-wrote that sentence 3 times before I went on to this one.
Can I chalk this up to not having college courses? I have an Agri-Business associate's degree. I didn't have much in the way of core classes so that means not a lot of "thinking" and "expressing" courses.
Can I blame it on environment? I didn't have parents that were introspective with themselves or me so I sorta missed out on developing it. My older sister left home when I was 12 and my brother wasn't much help even though he IS an introspective sort of guy. I didn't find the right people to align myself with when I went out on my own so because I chose the partier, nowhere people, I ended up with a deficit in my 20's. I stayed quiet and didn't usually voice my opinion or ask myself hard questions about who I was or what I wanted.
I have some moments of clarity of thought but they are rare and I believe alcohol was involved. But for the most part, I have to literally close my eyes and settle down and let the idea form. Concentrate. Something I have a hard time doing.
My friends said I should talk to the speech and pathology teacher here at school for pointers or to be evaluated for some problem. ( OH, I have problems alright!) I'm not banking on finding anything wrong. I think it's just a developement prob.
In the meantime, I'll cruise blogs and read some rocking expressive and introspective posts and look to answers on how to aleviate this shortfall. And look to the friends and siblings that are now a part of my life to hold comfortable and meaningful convos with exploring who they are and who I am.
Now I read this post and it is so not the revealing post I was after. It has none of my flair or charisma, none of my humor or crass, self-deprecating style. Geez! Pass the wine!