Coming to know and understand one's self and what makes one tick is a reward of age.
For years, at least since age 19, I have looked at myself from outside me. By that, I mean I've viewed all my actions, thoughts and needs without taking into account who I really am and without any generosity towards myself.
I have been disgusted, berating my accomplishments, unsympathetic to any struggles, unforgiving to bad habits and generally holding myself up to an incredibly unnessesary template of "what I should be according to my family".
I suspect many people do this, especially women.
I am mostly over that way of treating myself and have become who I am with relatively complete acceptance. HooRAY! I feel better.
Even when I start to berate myself for something I wish I hadn't done or had done, it is so easy to remind myself to be nice and forgiving. It has come with age and a need to figure out myself, and approve.
I am trying to live the idea that I tell my children- You have to be your own best friend first.
Okay, so I was reading some interesting posts on a garden website. The ideas were striking cords in me which lead to the above cycle of thought.
Broad ideas of how gardens and nature can provide meditative and inner peace with viewing the wild, untouched and unmanicured side.
The act of gathering native seeds in a wild, unkempt field could be enriching. To walk in a dark forest setting can be unsettling and enjoyable at the same time. Imagination can go wild. The complexities of nature are fantastic and so close at hand. We can dabble in the very place our existence is derived from. And it's a magic place.
Ugh, I sound a bit over the top.
But I am a person who is out of her element when I am at my school job. I am not in my element when I am trying to manage the household by myself, which I ask for, I know I know. I won't shy away from doing pretty much the best I can in either place. It's my job and I accept it. I just derive little enjoyment and I am not inspired in the least. ( I am not unhappy with my job as a mom because out of everything in my life, that's the one place I feel rich but it is a task, fur sure)
Does that not sap spirit from a person? And cause a person to start losing interest in life because it takes so much energy? When a person's spirit is sapped, it makes the smallest jobs and common needs in life seem monumental. And one's brain feels like it's ready to spin out of
one's skull?
I need to be in an element I can derive peace and enrichment from. I have a great need because of who I am and how my brain works to find this place with peace. Now I have to find that job that will pay the bills but allows me peace.
I wound it up quicker than I wanted because I lost my train of thought. I just finshed with an hour long phone call from a friend and my daughter is waiting to finish her school paper. See?!
For years, at least since age 19, I have looked at myself from outside me. By that, I mean I've viewed all my actions, thoughts and needs without taking into account who I really am and without any generosity towards myself.
I have been disgusted, berating my accomplishments, unsympathetic to any struggles, unforgiving to bad habits and generally holding myself up to an incredibly unnessesary template of "what I should be according to my family".
I suspect many people do this, especially women.
I am mostly over that way of treating myself and have become who I am with relatively complete acceptance. HooRAY! I feel better.
Even when I start to berate myself for something I wish I hadn't done or had done, it is so easy to remind myself to be nice and forgiving. It has come with age and a need to figure out myself, and approve.
I am trying to live the idea that I tell my children- You have to be your own best friend first.
Okay, so I was reading some interesting posts on a garden website. The ideas were striking cords in me which lead to the above cycle of thought.
Broad ideas of how gardens and nature can provide meditative and inner peace with viewing the wild, untouched and unmanicured side.
The act of gathering native seeds in a wild, unkempt field could be enriching. To walk in a dark forest setting can be unsettling and enjoyable at the same time. Imagination can go wild. The complexities of nature are fantastic and so close at hand. We can dabble in the very place our existence is derived from. And it's a magic place.
Ugh, I sound a bit over the top.
But I am a person who is out of her element when I am at my school job. I am not in my element when I am trying to manage the household by myself, which I ask for, I know I know. I won't shy away from doing pretty much the best I can in either place. It's my job and I accept it. I just derive little enjoyment and I am not inspired in the least. ( I am not unhappy with my job as a mom because out of everything in my life, that's the one place I feel rich but it is a task, fur sure)
Does that not sap spirit from a person? And cause a person to start losing interest in life because it takes so much energy? When a person's spirit is sapped, it makes the smallest jobs and common needs in life seem monumental. And one's brain feels like it's ready to spin out of
one's skull?
I need to be in an element I can derive peace and enrichment from. I have a great need because of who I am and how my brain works to find this place with peace. Now I have to find that job that will pay the bills but allows me peace.
I wound it up quicker than I wanted because I lost my train of thought. I just finshed with an hour long phone call from a friend and my daughter is waiting to finish her school paper. See?!
posted by Unknown at 8:30 AM
8 Comments:
Wow Greeny, you've given me much to ponder with this post. My sister calls the constant inner criticism "negative self talk". I say such thoughts collect bad karma like a sweater collects cat hair.
I concur that it's easier to stop all that as we get older, but as I get to know myself better, I don't always care for what I see.
I don't think you're over the top to find magic in nature. Communing with nature offers a form of self-discovery that always settles me. Spending time with the slow growing wildlife slows me down and lets me be more honest with myself than critical.
Which goes to your final, truthful statement about how our jobs don't replenish our spirits very often.
I had to decide whether to balance my checkbook or read your blog this morning. Glad I left the accounting chore til later. Your post refreshed my spirit by making me examine my priorities. Thanks.
I'm more of an "oh well" kinda person, and don't self analyze enough. I don't see many problems in myself even though I know they're there.
Yes! I completely know what you are talking about.
I think you and I are at about the same point in our lives...at least emotionally.
It is tough trying to change thought patterns.
I am just like you in the job deal too. I can do my job, but it doesn't do much for me. I KNOW where I want to be and what job I want to be doing..but it boils down to the money. Sad, but true.
I think by just "realizing" all this..you are on the right track.
I think we had a similar post / comments recently with regards to the spirit. Im a software developer over here in the UK, and although its a 'good job' (meaning it has a good career path, Im not working in a hazardous environment, Im not getting home feeling like I've gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson) I dont enjoy it, or wake up in the morning bouncing out of bed looking forward to work. And day after day, that will sap the spirit, I agree. We end up doing certain things, or being a certain person, because of choices we made in the past, and now we cannot go back on them, or undo them, because of all the people that would affect. (Or is it effect?)
As for that 'inner voice' - we all have that, and those that say they dont are lying. Its just that some peoples voice are more berating or negative that others. (This rambled on a bit, apologies!)
I still think we all need to be our worse critics...it's that sort of thing that motivates us.
Even so, you have to balance that criticism with self-love and undertanding of your limitations.
It's a tough place to get to.
In the Bible the two greatest commands are to love God and to love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Take it easy on yourself . Be kind and forgiving of yourself so you can extend love to others. You do the best you can and try to find some joy in your everyday.
You're right about finding joy and peace in the wildness of nature. It feeds your soul.
BTW - Thank you for being so attentive to my blog :-)
A job that pays the bills and gives you peace. I wish that for you.
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