The sadness I have felt since last Saturday is still hanging in there. I know what it is stemming from along with hormones. It is the fact that our two family farms are going up for sale to pay the farm debt from my dad and brother's farming business. One farm is where my dad's family house sat which we lived in till I was five. The other farm was bought during a particularly tough time in farming- the 1980's. It 's acquisition
was solely for farming.
I know, many people don't really care about a loss like this and it isn't that big of a deal but to me, and all of my family, it is a tremendous loss.
From the pride of ownership and through the blood, sweat and tears of working to buy it to the fact that my parents planned on living off the money generated from having it farmed for their retirement. Then there's the fact that it has been in my dad's side of the family since the 1900's, owned and farmed by them. That is quite a story there for perhaps another time.
My sister revealed to me lately she uses the farm where we all grew up as a quiet place to go sit and meditate. I never would have guessed it. And what is my brother feeling after all the time he has farmed that piece of ground? Does he feel dispair or failure? I hope not but I want to tell him not to worry. I really should do it soon.
Anyway, as I sit here and write this, I can't help but feel such a sense of loss I have never felt about any possession. And I realize it IS a possession, not a person from my life. I shouldn't feel this much emotion.
I guess there are many changes coming and this is one of the bad ones. Most likely my brother and his family will move away to get a job which means my mother will be left with just my sister and her family to take up the slack of helping with my father until he goes into a care facility. Don't know when that might happen.
Nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach now... Great...
was solely for farming.
I know, many people don't really care about a loss like this and it isn't that big of a deal but to me, and all of my family, it is a tremendous loss.
From the pride of ownership and through the blood, sweat and tears of working to buy it to the fact that my parents planned on living off the money generated from having it farmed for their retirement. Then there's the fact that it has been in my dad's side of the family since the 1900's, owned and farmed by them. That is quite a story there for perhaps another time.
My sister revealed to me lately she uses the farm where we all grew up as a quiet place to go sit and meditate. I never would have guessed it. And what is my brother feeling after all the time he has farmed that piece of ground? Does he feel dispair or failure? I hope not but I want to tell him not to worry. I really should do it soon.
Anyway, as I sit here and write this, I can't help but feel such a sense of loss I have never felt about any possession. And I realize it IS a possession, not a person from my life. I shouldn't feel this much emotion.
I guess there are many changes coming and this is one of the bad ones. Most likely my brother and his family will move away to get a job which means my mother will be left with just my sister and her family to take up the slack of helping with my father until he goes into a care facility. Don't know when that might happen.
Nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach now... Great...
posted by Unknown at 1:04 PM
10 Comments:
Wow. I know how you feel. It's hard to lose a family heirloom like a farm. It's the core, the heart of so many families, especially in the Midwest. It's the center of so many things at once, and when it's gone, the underlying structure of family history seems to go with it and can feel like a huge hole in your soul. My heart goes out to you.
I also went through this with my family farm. After both my parents passed, it was left to my brother, sister and me. It was a distance from where we all lived, and became a financial burden. My father's family had owned it for over 100 years too. We did end up selling it to a cousin, but still. It did not feel right.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.. even tho it sucks.
It's more like a person than just a posession. Don't fight the sorrow too much. In fact, you should allow yourself time to wallow.
My parents are still in the house where I grew up. I don't know how I'd feel if that was sold. I might try to buy it, but it is not the size or effort of a farm.
I wonder if a last hurrah of sorts would help - like a wake, part of the mourning process?
That's the first thing I thought of- a picnic and last remembrance. I asked my sister what she thought and that's when she told me how much the place means to her and she wouldn't be able to stand doing a get-together there.
Everything will pass in time.
How about a blogger wake? Post some pictures and tell us some of your farm girl stories.
Can I send a blog hug? sounds like a hug and a cry are appropriate right now.
I can completely relate. It is a loss. A very personal loss. Our family has a farm of 4 homes in Michigan. The relatives we have to fill those homes is dwindling. The day will come when we'll have to make some hard decisions. A family member was responsible for every nail and board in these homes at one time or another. I'm sick over the thought my Grandpa's beautiful handmade cherry kitchen cabinetry may one day be in a junk pile out back while a truck from Home Depot unloads new factory made stuff.
Big hugs to you. Collect a few things as special keepsakes so you can still 'visit' the farm when you need to. A branch from a favorite tree, a few field rocks, etc. My grandpa actually made me a beautiful secretary desk out of one of our walnut trees. I'll always have it with me.
Sandi, yes, that's the idea this family usually applies. Do whatcha gotta do.
Thanks, Anne.
AM, Mom, the farm doesn't have the house still on it. It was burned down when I was just a kid and it wasn't a palatial estate- it was very meager at best. I do have lots of good memories and maybe I'll share them with a few pics if I can find them to scan and post.
Thanks for the thoughts.
LisaP, a couple of years ago my dad and I walked the perimeter of the place and I tagged some bushes and a few small trees I wanted to go dig up. Maybe this is the time.
Thanks.
A farm isn't a possession, it is a place. And places that have so much history and family significance are extremely important. I'm so sorry.
I can see why you feel this way, I've felt great loss over selling my first car--so your family house is of course a much deeper sadness.
I hope your feeling better--or at least being able to move past some of the pain.
Not really a possesion, more of a heritage and a kind of life.
I'm very sad for you and your family.
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